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A Summer We Will Blow/Transcript
(a timecard reading "last year" appears. It fades to Ms. Chapley's class.) Ms. Chapley: Alright class, you'll be out of here in a minute. For now our final meeting should bet your only worry. Now, there was something I was going to say to you, but I can't remember it for the life of me. Hurts that whatever it is will be nullified for the whole summer as I can't enforce rules for you to follow outside of the classroom. Ah, getting close to- Student: Ms. Chapley, may we do a countdown. Ms. Chapley: Absolutely not, oh, I just remembered. Since you're all going to be back in my class, I had this fifty-page omni-lesson test made for you all to do over the break. Shouldn't take long if you immediately get into it. It'll count for NINETY percent of your grade, just so you know. Thanks for getting my gears turning by bringing up an immature tradition. Other student: Nice going jerkwad! (the students throw stuff at the student.) (intro plays) (in the present, Ms. Chapley's class is talking amongst themselves over what they'll do for summer break.) Alison: So what're you doing Bex? Bex: Hitting the beach, my skin could use some salty moisturizer, my mom won't let me near the salt shakers at home. Colleen: Seems she won't let you near anything but jean shorts. Bex: You could barely see them with a body so toned. You know the rules with characters like this. Alison: Okay. What about you Colleen? Colleen: My folks want to go back to Colorado to investigate a bigfoot sighting, but that's not definite. Alison: If not, do you wanna hang at the manor? Everyone else has plans. Colleen: Sure, and I could always bring you along with me. Alison: Because you're my friend? Colleen: You're lucky it's so. Alison: What about you Becky? Becky: I'm going to spend it wild. Going to hike in the wilderness all summer, scare some passerby's, fight a bear, wherever the day takes me. Colleen: Living the dream. (Ms. Chapley comes in.) Ms. Chapley: Okay class, I'm sure you're all anxious to leave for the- (the bell rings and the students cheer.) Tiberius: We're out! (the students run to the exit, but Ms. Chapley stops them.) Ms. Chapley: We're not through here. Summer break isn't until another week. Tommy: But summer break always began on the 25th of May. Marie: And unlike the circus, that's today. Ms. Chapley: Every school has to run for a predetermined amount of days, meaning that the students have to be here for those amount of days, and you've all been out for a week. Randall: You can't hold us accountable for that! That was the week of a flash flood. We couldn't go to school, let alone leave our houses. Ms. Chapley: Leave that as it may, rules are rules. See you kids tomorrow. (the kids walk out, grumbling.) (the next day, the students arrive and go through a long day of school before getting called to the auditorium. Cosmo is present) Cosmo: Thank you all for coming, and continuing our tradition of having a set amount of school days. To celebrate this, I'd like to present a screening from our archives. Alison: That doesn't sound so bad. (the projector begins. A shot of a woman's floating head is present causing the kids to scream.) (A title card shows "The Wizard of the Land of Oz", it then cuts to wobbly sets and a man dressed in wizard garb wandering through the area.) Julie: What the heck is this? Cosmo: Old classic. This was one of the lost shorts from the Oz Film Company. Hidden beneath a car manufacturing company if you could believe it. (later) Dante: She's been talking about the ruby slippers for hours. Sam: It's a setup stupid! (later. The film ends and they see a Paramount logo) Phoebe: Huh, I guess Paramount did have a hand in an Oz production. Cosmo: Now that was a lovely treat if I do say so myself. Alison: Please leave. Cosmo: I'll let you all talk amongst yourselves. (Cosmo leaves. The students become angry.) Jerry: I could be home right now. Mandy: I wanted to sleep in today. Becky: I could be out in the woods right now. Georgina: How dare they take away our break for something out of our control! (the students all vent before Alison gets up.) Alison: QUIET! (everyone is quiet.) Alison: I know you're all angry, but griping about it isn't going to solve anything! We complain now and come tomorrow, the same crap will happen. I won't stand for it, and I'm sure none of you will either! Sparky: Well we could wait it out. It's just one week. Alison: That's not the point. It's the principal. We put in the hours five days out of the week, and we only have so long before we have to get jobs. Ech. For now, there's so much we'd rather be doing than spending more time in school. Come on, would you all rather wait it out for a week? Or is there something worth far more? Sam: I'd rather be riding my bike. Julie: I'd rather keep working out until my body is cut enough for an army recommendation years from now. Leland: I'd rather plot against my people. (everyone looks at him.) Leland: You all need to pay more attention, I'm not subtle. Fiona: I'd rather cause traffic and climb up trees. Becky: I'd rather be living like an animal for some time. Alison: We'd all rather be doing what we want, keeping it within reasonable parameters of course. We would've loved to be here on the weeks we missed, cut us a break. Emily: So what're you trying to say? Alison: I'm saying, if we have to spend the whole week in school, come the next day, we'll stop being kids and become the faculty's worst nightmare. Randall: New taxes? Alison: We'll vandalize the halls. Have routine food fights. Prank our teachers every few minutes. Even cool off from the summer heat if you know what I mean. Ashley: Oh-ho you are dark! Colleen: You sure you're up for this? You are the main girl after all. Alison: I know, but it's time to break the mold. I cannot follow thy established rules, for thou cannot live with limitations. Thy must be brave no matter the cost and no matter the circumstance. Colleen: *snicker, I have no idea what you just said, but I totally get what you're going for here. (Colleen faces the audience.) Colleen: I've been here every day on time for as long as I could remember, and I'm getting the short end of the stick. I will not stand for this! We're going on strike! (everyone cheers.) Sally: And let's call the shots when the adults are long gone! (the students quiet down as they face Sally. Alison and Colleen give glazed looks.) Sally: In addition to the... rebellion thing? Colleen: Last time we let you headline things your mom nearly died and we almost got into a war with another school, buzz off. Sally: I said I was sorry! (it goes to the teens, who're about to go on a road trip.) Abe: C'mon guys, I spent my salary on this. We don't even have to worry about returning it. Stephy: I dunno, I think we should've gone with tours d'oeuvre. Abe: Why're you all suddenly okay with throwing money away on a road trip? Britney: Dude, riding in the pickup, may it rest in peace, is one thing, but this van was about to get compacted. Abe: What can I say, one man's trash is another's treasure. Or in our case, a ride we could count on and one that'll ensure we only waste money on the essentials. Rachel: Auto insurance? Jen: Medical insurance? Nicole: Death assurance? Abe: Give it a chance guys. Look, I moved the shelves in the back down so we could all sit down there, We got plenty of storage space, heck, I drove all the way here and it held together. (Abe hits the side of the truck and it falls off.) Abe: Plus it has a window. Now are you in or not? I lost the coin toss so I'll be driving no matter what. Stephy: If this turns out like that field trip to Yorkshire, I hope I'll live to tell Jules hey, now I know why you hate riding the bus. (everyone goes in and drives.) Abe: Now where to guys? Britney: I think Rachel got to choose this year. Rachel: Don't look at me. I think it was Jen. Jen: Oh no you don't- Wait, I think Malcolm chose this year. Malcolm: Uh... Oh, Julie got to pick. Abe: I'm sorry do you want to drive to the school and personally ask her? Day: At this point I think we need all the suggestions we could get. (the van sputters.) Abe: What the- this is a '64 delivery van that's running on fumes and hasn't had an oil change, how is this happening!? (at night, the kids gather in a treehouse at Francis' yard. They're all cramped inside) Alison: Alright guys, we need a plan. Don't hold back, ideas that seem bad may turn out to be good when executed. Help me out here. Francis: Hold on, why're you calling the shots on my property? You've already established that we're going to rebel tomorrow, and dang it, there're more girls here than guys! Ruth: She's got you there Meeks. Francis: Also we should've done this in my basement, I think my foot just fell asleep. Alison: Oh where's your sense of acceptance? I think this is a good way for us to get to know one another. Angela: I don't want to get to know anyone like I'm getting to know Clifford right now. Clifford: Angela? Are you behind me? Could you scratch my butt? It's driving me crazy. Angela: Pass. Georgina: I do believe we shouldn't be in here, this could break any second. Francis: Hold on, sure it's tight in here, but this treehouse is built to last. Just as long as nothing else comes in here of course. (a squirrel crawls through an opening and some cracking is heard.) Ruth: You were saying? (The treehouse bursts and the kids fall out. The kids are visibly injured after landing on the ground.) Colleen: Let's just wing it. Alison: All in favor, moan in pain. (everyone moans.) Alison: The moans have it. (the next day, Julie is seen walking to school. The teens drive up to her.) Abe: Julie? Julie. Julie Julie Julie Julie- All: Julie Julie Julie Julie Julie Julie Julie- Julie: WHAT!? Abe: Gee, sorry. I thought we were friends here. Julie: Look, I'm just trying to think of something here. Seth: Yeah? What about? Stephy: And why're you going to school? It's summer break. Julie: Yeah, but apparently we need to be in school for another week because we missed a previous one. Abe: Wait, is this about that flash flood? I couldn't even get to work if I wanted to. That's death assurance. Julie: RIGHT!? Anyway, me and the kids are out for revenge. I just want to find a good way to get things started. Day: Julie, vengeance is never a good option. You should be open to acceptance and- bomb the toilets, it'll peeve the staff, cut into their budget and leave a butt-load of collateral damage. Julie: I'll save that for a finale. I wanna start small and go up. Alanis: Just send them a message. A warning of what's to come. Julie: Sounds good to me, and I know just where to leave it. Thanks guys- Other Damien: WAIT! Julie: What? Britney: We're going on vacation, but we don't know where to go. Any suggestions? Because we're eaten to the bone here. Julie: Typically, I just follow whatever looks exciting. Besides, the only suggestion I have is Huftsberry, but that's been taken over by the preppies and yuppies. Bye now. (Julie hads off.) Abe: Okay, exciting, exciting. Hey, a speeder. Day: What're you on now? Abe: I see a cop following another car, I think he's pulling someone over for speeding. Malcolm: Hey, he's not pulling over. I think it's turning into a high speed chase. Abe: You know, it's nice to see things like this happen in a small town... (the teens sit in silence until Abe gets a realization.) Abe: Oh my god it's a sign. (Abe begins following the cop, where they're led onto a highway.) (at school, Julie is spray painting a message onto the front of the school. Alison and Colleen approach her.) Alison: What's up? Julie: I'm getting a head start on the rebellion. Colleen: Beats the heck out of our starter. (Colleen reveals a cake which reads "You stink." on it.) Alison: So what're you writing? Julie: Back away and see for yourselves. (the three back away and they see Julie's message reads "TURN BACK NOW") Alison: Foreboding, ominous, short and to the point. Can't wait for Principal Kadic to see this. Colleen: We can't wait for him, otherwise we'll be singled out before we could get started. Alison: That's why I said we can't wait. Let's go. (the three run inside. Cosmo pulls up to the front of the school and sees the message.) Cosmo: Turn back now. Nah, I'm a bit of a masochist. (Cosmo enters the school and the students are all in the hall, facing him.) Cosmo: Morning. (Cosmo walks past the kids and goes to his office, locking the door.) Alison: Couldn't he dignify us with a better response? Colleen: Whatever, we have work to do. Where do we start? Alison: First, we need to get rid of you know who, and you know who else. Colleen: Any ideas? Alison: Any idea when his coffee guy comes along? Julie: He got here five seconds ago. Alison: Oh my gosh! (Alison goes into Cosmo's office as he's about to sip his coffee.) Alison: WAIT! Cosmo: What? Alison: I uh... wanted you to try this new... sweetener I got. It's made of several herbs. Cosmo: Sounds fancy. I'd love to try some. (Alison puts it into his coffee and he drinks it.) Cosmo: What kind of *yawn*...tired. What kind of *yawn* what herbs? Alison: Not much, I think one of them is chamomile. With a hint of NyQuil. Cosmo: I think I know- (Cosmo falls over.) Tiberius: I'll take it from here. Alison: Godspeed. Clifford: Dunk or drop? Tiberius/Clifford: Mmmmm... drop! (the kids enter Ms. Chapley's room.) Ms. Chapley: Morning everyone. Tomy: Oh good morning, and good night! (the students tackle her and later bound and gag her.) Alison: This isn't personal Ms. Chapley. We just want to show the school system the error of its ways by completely fudging it up. You understand. (the students vandalize the room and soon carry their level of destruction to the hallway.) (it cuts to Tiberius and Clifford carrying Cosmo's unconscious body up a tall waterslide.) Tiberius/Clifford: Three, two, one... (they drop Cosmo down the slide and he wakes up screaming. It cuts to a montage of the students destroying the school and Cosmo going down the slide. He eventually makes it off.) Tiberius: This is for our summer break you jerk! Cosmo: Savor this while you can. You've got the gears turning on an ultimate plan for revenge. (it cuts to a punch dummy with Kerry's face on it as Cosmo hits it. Enid, Bob, Ned and Lars are present.) Cosmo: Thank you for coming. Lars: Thank you, for getting me out of something more important. Cosmo: Anyhow, the kids have become ravenous. They've done things that go beyond the realms of a common joke. Ned: How so? Cosmo: Did you see the filth in the halls? Ned: Did you forget we used to trash the school every summer? Cosmo: It's much more than that. They're becoming destructive, menacing, all because we needed them for another week because we couldn't open for a previous one. Bob: You'd seriously want our kids to go to school in the midst of a flash flood? Cosmo: If I don't go by the set amount of days I don't get paid. Enid: Clearly. Cosmo: Now, if we don't act on this soon they'll likely remain like this through to their adulthood. Going by this visual aid. (Cosmo shows a video of the kids aging at a dysfunctional rate.) Enid: Agh, put it away, put it away! Cosmo: Okay, but it's the truth. They threw me down a water slide. Bob: You mean El-Gonquin? Condolences. Cosmo: Not to mention, they've made one of our teachers go through an emotional breakdown. (cuts to Ms. Chapley reenacting a scene from Fatal Attraction set to a rendition of Change by Deftones.) Ned: Okay, they're insane. But what can we do? Cosmo: I've already got that covered. I had this reserved for students who still had Cold War fever but now I need this more than ever. I'm sending the kids to Morlington Academy. By the time they come back they'll be the way we want them to be. Enid: I dunno, boarding school seems like an excuse for more trouble. They could spend their recovery period causing even more chaos. Besides, surely Colleen isn't being as bad as everyone else, right? Cosmo: Okay, but bear in mind you'd have to deal with the fact that your daughter just put pictures of your early-20s on the cork board. Enid: WHAT!? The horror! Bob: You had better be onto something here. Cosmo: Trust me. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get everyone into the Perfectorium. (Cosmo activates his intercom.) Cosmo: Free tacos in the Perfectorium. (the students are heard rushing toward it. Cosmo goes there and locks the exit.) Alison: How do we keep falling for that? Cosmo: Good, you're all here. Now listen up, I've had enough of you and your destructive ways. Alison: You should've let us- Cosmo: Silence! (Cosmo presses a button and the floor pops up, knocking the students down.) Cosmo: I never get tired of that. Now, TAKE A SEAT! Alison: But there're no chairs in this room! Cosmo: Then just be quiet! Listen, I'm sick to death of your behavior. Just the fact you couldn't handle another week of school and resorted to putting me through a nightmare- Clifford: Pranked you good. Cosmo: You need to be straightened out. You'll be- Clifford: So good it's not even funny. Cosmo: In order to- Clifford: Yet it's funny at the same time. Cosmo: You all need- Clifford: One for the scrapbooks. Cosmo: ...I'M SENDING YOU TO MORALINGTON ACADEMY! (the floor pops up again and the kids are flung onto a cart where they're hauled away. Fireworks are seen and when they burst they read "SEE YOU IN HECK!") (it goes to the teens who continue down the highway.) Abe: Hey Stephy, your sister's an idiot. There's no excitement for miles! Stephy: Leave my COUSIN out of this! Day: Look at it like this, we now know how desperate traffic cops are when it comes to giving tickets. Abe: The police, they only help when it's convenient to them. Alanis: Isn't there a distinction? Abe: I dunno, I just understand one half of them. Rachel: Hey, is it just me or is there like, no traffic at all? Abe: I know, that's why I'm driving forty on a fifty five. Seth: How I spent my summer vacation, on the highway. Abe: Hey, we could say we did it first. Toss me something to eat, I think my blood sugar's running low. Britney: Yeah... you know how you left me in charge of packing? Abe: Okay, we'll get off at the nearest exit and restock. Thankfully I still have money, and a poor screw-up record. (Abe turns to an exit and winds up on a busy highway, where a truck's about to hit them, causing the teens to scream.) (it cuts to the kids getting off at Moralington Academy.) Alison: I can fix this- Julie: Save it. You got us into this. Alison: How was I supposed to know they would do this to us!? Randall: It's common sense! We acted bad on an astronomical level, so naturally the adults overreact and do something like this. If we follow your lead again we may face worse than this. Alison: I got us into this, so the least I could do is get you out- All: No! Alison: Colleen, back me up. Colleen: I stuck up for you as long as I could. The guys are right, we can't take any more risks with you. Selma: What about us girls? Colleen: You too. Later Alison. Alison: Guys, girls, come on, I can, oh what is this the end? FINE I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU! I COULD GET HOME MYSELF! CAN'T BE TOO HARD! Headmaster: Why don't you just relax? You're going to be here for a while. Alison: Well you got me there. Headmaster: And you'll get them too. Alison: Eh? Headmaster: If you're up to it, I'll put you in charge of keeping those kids in line. No holds barred. Alison: Sounds good to me, anything to get back at them for defying me, which I'm totally not bitter about in the slightest nor will I intentionally overdo out of my own insecurity- Headmaster: They're going to settle in soon, and soon should register with you too. Alison: Sorry, I get a bit carried away sometimes. (it cuts to the kids settling into their room.) Colleen: You don't think I was too quick to go against Alison, do you? Julie: You weren't, you had a reason and honestly, it's a good one, like I told you... THE LAST FIVE TIMES! Colleen: Sheesh, if you don't become a soldier you could always train to be a sergeant. Dante: Speaking of Alison where is she? (Alison bursts through the door.) Alison: ENOUGH STANDING AROUND POOP FOR BRAINS, FALL IN! (Alison approaches Mercury and punches her down.) Mercury: Ow. Alison: Now listen up, you're all here today because you're all rotten pathetic kids who don't respect morality and the rules! Jupiter: But yoo got us into this in da ferst place. Jerry: You're being rotten and you're acting and have been pathetic. Jenny: You don't respect the rules either, which is why you got us into this in the first place. Brighton: Morality is just another word for closed-mindedness. Anita: Or if you want the short version, you're acting like a total hypocrite and it feels like you're trying to force this in to fulfill an E/I quota. Alison: Shut up. Whatever the case, the headmaster put me in charge of you for as long as we need to be here. You'll be fine upstanding citizens when I'm through with you. Bernadette: *robotic* Understood. Detecting defiant children having fun in a healthy way. Must lecture to correct. (the kids laugh) Alison: Enjoy your riffing while you can. Come morning, you'll be begging for mercy. Begging. (Alison leaves and goes to the headmaster.) Alison: How'd I do? Headmaster: Not amazing, but you got the message through. You could really shine tomorrow morning. Alison: Believe me, once I absorb this place inside out I'll find a way to really stick it to those morales heathens. (the next day, the kids are awoken through the sound of a bullhorn.) Alison: Rise and shine! Don't burn any more daylight? Emily: Daylight? It's not even light in here yet... (the kids are seen running laps around a flagpole.) Alison: Don't slack now! The last one to the mess hall is on kitchen duty! (Jenny is seen struggling for breath. Jerry and Sam get behind her.) Jerry: I'll wash... Bernadette: I'll dry... (the kids are seen sleeping at breakfast.) Alison: Breakfast is over! Larry: We asked for this. (The kids are hauling bricks across the woods.) Sam: Wait what's the point of this? Julie: To crush our spirits. What else? Emily: Crush. I want to crush Alison right now. I could've just wanted but she-! (Emily breaths heavily as Dante puts a hand on her shoulder.) Dante: Stay frosty Em, no telling how they'd handle the big guns. Tommy: That leaves me and Marie out. Marie: You could put that brick down, not like Alison's watching us now. Tommy: Oh thank goodness. But where is she? Phoebe: She's getting lunch with the headmaster, and I think I'll leave the rest to your imagination. Elizabeth: Let's keep the one tradition of hard labor alive while she's gone. Dolly: Lunch? Suzy: Taking a break you idiot. Dolly: Lunch is a break... Sam: So what, are we supposed to just sit around with our thumbs up our butts until she gets back- Jerry: LAKE! Sam: Thank goodness I don't have that water allergy! Bernadette: Heck I'm built for the water. (The kids prepare to go swimming.) Alison: STOP! Leland: I thought you said she was going to get lunch. Phoebe: Yeah... turns out that happened five minutes before I told you all. Alison: Why aren't you learning your lesson? Why're you slacking off? Colleen: Let's review. All you taught us so far was how quickly you'd change your tune, and that you believe that suffering is better than just telling us what we did wrong! We're tired, hungry, hot, and on the verge of converting to paganism! Alison: We all have to suffer to learn our lessons. How else could they stick in our heads? Francis: We may be kids, but we're still receptive. You're just acting like an amalgamation between Uncle Grizzly, The Cryptkeeper and Mr. Krabs that one time! Alison: Hey, they taught us lessons the right way, and that episode had no negative qualities. You should be thanking me for this. You should be listening without a single question asked let alone thought of. You should be- (Alison gets hoisted up from her ankles and tossed into the lake. The kids laugh.) Alison: Ha ha, I'm wet, very funny. Who did this!? Anita: Don't look at us. Alison: How could I not? You're all against me, you wanted this to happen. Julie: We were watching you the entire time Alison. We don't know how that happened? Alison: Maybe you planned this in advance? Maybe one of you did this in secret and rushed right back into the crowd before I noticed any of you acting out of line? Sparky: Yes, that's plausible, but we didn't do that kind of trick. Alison: Oh, right, forgive me, you're all receptive, so much so that you want me to apparently feel the pain. Even after the times I made you suffer to learn a lesson. Colleen: NO ONE ASKED YOU TO MAKE US SUFFER! Alison: IT'S CALLED A DEMONSTRATION! Georgina: Boys, you want to go play in the mud? Jerry: Heck, I'd rather go shopping. (the kids run away.) Alison: HEY! COME BACK! I'M CALMING DOWN! (later, we see Colleen taking a nap. Victor approaches.) Victor: Colleen, Colleen wake up. Colleen: I'm trying to nap here. Just closing my eyes, trying to sleep away the pain. Victor: I wouldn't wake you up if this wasn't important. We know what happened at the lake. Me, Larry, Julie, Anita, Bernadette and the Yoopers set up that rope, we had Marie hoist it up and we ran, ran back into the crowd. Colleen: You did? Victor: Yeah- Colleen: Oh GEEZ! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU- (Colleen grabs and crushes two soda cans.) Victor: Hey hey hey, it's not like she knows we did it. Colleen: She doesn't know who did it, but we're all suspects, I was her aide, I called her out more than anyone and hence she's going to suspect me! Victor: She's not going to suspect anybody, now she knows that we know that she knows not to mess with us- where'd this monkey-... (Victor takes a close look at an ape that approaches them.) Victor: Do you know what this is? Colleen: An ape? Victor: No, on it's wrist. It looks like the same wristband Clifford wears. How'd it get this? Colleen: I dunno. Victor: Have you seen Clifford? Colleen: I haven't see him since the lake incident... (the two look to the buildings.) Victor: I don't think we could hold any skepticism at this point. They're kidnapping kids and turning them into apes, all to push some ridiculous moral. Colleen... this is Clifford. (the two scream as the camera pulls in and out, later hitting Colleen in the forehead.) (it goes to Alison and the headmaster.) Alison: I'm getting closer. Headmaster: Freewill is a hard thing to break. It'll take time. Alison: Then time is what I've got. Headmaster: And on the got, I've got the ideal punishment for those heathens. (it goes to the teens.) Jen: We should've asked that guy for directions. Just saying. Abe: I told you, I don't talk to strangers! Stephy: Will you- Hey, is that that big kid from my cousin's school? Rachel: Hey you're right, we should pull over he looks like he could use a ride back. (it shows Clifford walking down the road.) Abe: We're looking for a vacation spot, don't make eye contact. (it goes to Colleen laying in her bed. She notices nobody's there.) Colleen: Guys? Guys? Guys and girls? (a chainsaw rips through the wall and Colleen falls back, moving to the other wall. She sees smoke emitting from below and it goes to Colleen strapped onto a table, surrounded by cloaked figures.) Figures: Morals are good, morals are never heavy-handed, Hooky has no negative qualities. Clifford: Colleen. Whatever you do. Don't let them do to you, what they did to me. (Alison comes up to her.) Alison: Hey Colleen, it's Alison, I'm only pretending to be sane. Say, did you see a butcher around here? Headmaster: Learn your darn lesson. Learn your darn lesson! Colleen: OKAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! (Colleen wakes up.) Alison: I have a lesson to teach you today. Some apes are wandering around the fields. Round them up. (Colleen heads out and after a while finds the apes.) Colleen: Wait, I haven't seen my friends all day, and since Clifford turned into- Oh, oh no! WHY!!!!!! Marie: Colleen! We're right here! Alison sent us out already. Colleen: Oh thank goodness. Tommy: Now what's this about Clifford? Victor: We think Alison's slowly turning us into apes in an attempt to cram morality down our throats. Marie: You lost us. Colleen: Look, Clifford's gone, and we found an ape with his wristband. Sam: Saves me the question. Marie: Okay, something's going down, but we're all still normal. Why was Clifford the first to go? Colleen: Remember, Alison had us work to teach us a lesson. Maybe this is an extra means of tormenting us? Emily: Maybe. But who're these guys then if they were once human? (the kids see the apes doing sign language.) Elizabeth: Sign language. Maybe one of us could translate. (one of the apes faces Dolly and does some gestures.) Dolly: It totally doesn't know what we're talking about. Suzy: I guess she's also wiping memories too. I'd say a good way to make them suffer is to spare their memories so they could suffer. Colleen: Thank god you didn't betray us. (the ape does more gestures.) Dolly: It was always an ape. They don't know anyone here. Suzy: Idiot, of course they don't know who we are, we just saw them for the first time. (the ape turns its finger around its ear.) Dolly: Who's that going toward? Suzy: It's saying that it was put under mind control and the mechanism was ran through its ear- Hey, what gesture are you, that's rude! (the ape throws something at Suzy.) Suzy: I hope this is mud... Colleen: Forget about it. We need to get these apes out of here before the headmaster could do anymore damage. (the kids argue amongst themselves over how to get out while the apes run toward a hole in a wall covered by a dumpster and head onto the road. The kids see they're gone.) Julie: So much for that. Alison: What's this? Slacking on the job? I'll have your hides for this. Colleen: Not today Alison, not ever again. We will not become part of your sick experiments to teach your equally sick lessons? Alison: What're you talking about? Colleen: Don't play dumb. We know very well that you turned Clifford, possibly more kids into apes just because they want to be free. Alison: I think you should take your own advice- Colleen: Shut it! Guess what? There's more to life than just relying on morals. If the only way to live without fear is to follow every rule to a T then we'd all be better off in 1984! Alison: Hmph, and here I thought you'd learn your lesson. I want you all to just stay here and think about what you've done. (Alison walks away.) Julie: Boss' orders. (the kids fall back and rest.) Mercury: Wait, what if this is the ape treatment you've been telling us. It's da gnawing change! Must resist desire for potassium! Suzy: You heard what the ape said, they do it through the ear. Angela: Saw- Suzy: Shut up! (Alison heads over to the headmaster.) Alison: I'm not getting anywhere with these people. Now they're saying that I turned Clifford into an ape. Headmaster: That's insane. Let's not forget that he somehow got off of the academy grounds. Alison: What do I do now? I told them to wait in the field, and I have no doubt in my mind that I laid the grounds for a gruesome revenge plot- Uh headmaster your nose is running. Headmaster: Oh, never mind that we're adults here. Alison: I can't keep eye contact if that's still on your nose. Headmaster: You'll... adjust? Alison: I dare you to wipe your nose. Headmaster: Alright, geez. (The headmaster wipes her nose and it breaks off, along with part of the cheek. Alison recognizes the revealed facial features.) Alison: Your face... Who are you? What are you if it's going that far? Sonja: Don't worry Alison, it's me, Nurse Sonja. Alison: Oh dear god... Sonja: Together we could put those brats in their place and we could have the Summer to ourselves. Look to the monitor. I've set up a missile with a ten point radius, enough to wipe out everyone on the premises, plus this building uses lead paint so we'll be fine. This was a nuclear testing range once. Alison: Augh, I don't believe it. You haven't learned from the time you're fired. Come to think of it, you've become even worse! Sonja: I don't understand. You kids vandalized the school, the kids abandoned you, they refuse to learn their lesson. We teach them the hard way and they never have to set foot in this world again. You helped make that message loud and clear Alison. Alison: ...No... Oh NO! (Alison and Sonja get into a fight, leading to them accidentally hitting the launch command for the missile. It launches up and heads toward the kids.) Victor: I'm telling you, it's the Berenstein Bears. I saw it with my own eyes. Jupiter: And I'm tellin' yoo that it's a false memory. (the kids see the missile.) Colleen: You know being an ape sounds pretty good right about now... (the missile hits and explodes. It cuts back to Alison and Sonja as they get close to the stairs.) Alison: Call this self defense! (Alison knocks Sonja off her and she plummets down the stairs, landing in a furnace at the bottom.) Alison: Self defense, self defense, self inflicted blows to the head, self go to sleep now... (Alison collapses. After a while, she wakes up and goes outside.) Alison: Did I... No... Oh no, everyone's gone! Colleen... And the rest... Oh I've lost everything, I can't go on... No, no NO! I won't succumb to depression and loneliness! I'm the last girl within a ten mile radius, and I could do everything I always wanted! (Alison is seen dancing in a shed to It Don't Hurt by Sheryl Crow) Alison: Scrapped the paper off the wall. Put down carpet in the hall. I left no trace of you at all. I can sing my song again. (a hand shuts off the radio.) Alison: Hey, how could I sing my song again if there's no music playing? (Alison sees the kids wearing cloaks.) Alison: Hey, what're you still doing here? And where'd you get those cloaks? Randall: Silence! These are garbage bags. Colleen: We didn't die in the blast Alison, we only became, as they say, severely mutated. Alison: Mutants? Francis: Uh, we don't like the term mutants Alison, we prefer the term, freaks, or democrats. Julie: Morality got us into this, and we're going to get it out. Ashley: And now, you must die. (the kids go toward her as Alison takes out a bat.) Alison: You want me? Come and get me! Randall: Why do you think we're moving towards you in the first place? (Alison runs out of the academy and nearly gets run over by the teens.) Alison: HEYAGADAHELPTHEYAFTERMENOW! Jen: Slow down. Alison: He-ya-ga-da-help-they-after-me-now. Nicole: Think before you say each word. Alison: MAD MUTANTS! Abe: Oh that's just a bunch of baloney- (the kids leap onto the truck, causing Abe to scream.) Alison: Just drive! Abe: Okay. (the teens drive while the kids follow in a specialized car. They pull up to the teens front window.) Fiona: Come on we just want you to learn a lesson. Abe: Learn to merge! (the teens ram the kids onto a different patch of road, where they run into oncoming traffic. After a while, Alison gets to Belbury Middle School and runs into the building. The kids later come to.) Stephy: You want us, come and get us! Colleen: Actually we just want Alison, we have nothing against you. Rachel: Oh, well okay then I think you could figure out where Alison went. Colleen: Alrighty. Abe: WAIT! Colleen: What? Abe: Any idea on where we could go for our vacation? Selma: Well, you could always hit Humberside, they got a killer fast food district. Seth: Uh-oh, temptation ho. Randall: Can we go now? Abe: Of course. (it cuts to Alison inside.) Alison: Safe at last. (knocking is heard.) Alison: Who is it? Tiberius: It's the pizza colony. Sally: I thought we voted on the junior freedom fighters! Bernadette: As I recall we're the Toxic Avengers. Dante: I voted for the Family. (Alison runs toward Cosmo's office.) Alison: Hello? Did the blast hit this place too? (Alison hears something in the bathroom.) Alison: I didn't know there was a bathroom in here. (Alison enters the bathroom and finds Cosmo and Ms. Chapley hiding in the shower.) Cosmo: Are you going to trash the school again? Alison: No, but we're about to face much worse, eh scratch that, I'm about to face worse. Ms. Chapley: Good, maybe you'll learn your lesson. Alison: You're kidding. Ms. Chapley: I'm serious, you destroyed the school and acted immature, and now you get your just deserts. Alison: You know, I actually did learn something today. You could teach people right from wrong, you could be crazy, but you could never be both. Ms. Chapley: Says you- (Alison grabs her by the throat.) Alison: Listen to me you crazy hag, I nearly got traumatized by a creeper and I'm about to get killed by mutants! AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME BECAUSE YOU'RE BENT ON TEACHING A STUPID MORAL! Ms. Chapley: Yes. Alison: Principal Kadic, help me out here. I'm sorry I essentially destroyed the school, it was wrong and I should've just waited a week. Ms. Chapley: Oh no you don't. Cosmo's on the winning team, right? Cosmo: Hope, I've made my decision and I know I'm going to do the right thing. Ms. Chapley: Right on. Cosmo: Alison, I completely agree with your views on how to carry out lessons and I'll side with you. Ms. Chapley: Jerk. And here you agreed to send them to the academy in the first place. Cosmo: Because you wouldn't stop bringing it up to me, and I was traumatized by the slide incident, cut me a break! (the kids break into the room.) Cosmo: I've got an idea. Back during the zombie infestation of '72 the Perrinos created a concentrated solvent. Don't ask how it works but it managed to cure those involved and it could work here. Alison: So why do you have them now? Cosmo: They double as fireworks, I was going to set them off with the guys at the end of the week, but this is obviously more important. Alison: Great. Let's get cracking! Ms. Chapley: Don't you dare do it yet! Alison needs to learn her lesson. Alison: I DID! That's why I'm here and why I apologized! What do you want? An apology epitaph? Ms. Chapley: I want you to experience the folly of your actions first hand. Cosmo: There has to be another way. Ms. Chapley: It's the ONLY way Cosmo. That way they could never do anything bad ever again. Then the world would be a better place. Then my kids will start talking to me again and I won't have to spend every night watching cheesy TV movies to drown out the pain I feel every night. Alison: I got so much out of that. Cosmo: Hope, you can't just expect people to suffer to learn right from wrong. It'll just make them afraid to try new things, and worst case, turn them into paranoid shut-ins. It takes guts to make someone suffer for doing something wrong, but it takes more guts to teach them right from wrong, to put yourself on their level and lead them on the right path. Ms. Chapley: Sorta why you gave your kids that medication that awakened their supernatural powers? Cosmo: At least my kids still want to be around me. Ms. Chapley: Don't you dare. Cosmo: Sorta why your daughter vouched to be kept with Ker- Alison: We're getting sidetracked here! Ms. Chapley, we need an answer, one that doesn't involve your delusional beliefs. Ms. Chapley: Well you could- Alison: Ms. Chapley. Ms. Chapley: I mean it's not like it has to be fatal- Alison: Ms. Chapley. Ms. Chapley: But maybe if they remove your. Alison: HOPE! Ms. Chapley: Okay fine! You win! I choose life! Cosmo: Say cheese. (Cosmo throws a canister of solvent at the kids, with it rigged to a fuse that Cosmo lights. It explodes and cuts to black and we see an eye opening effect.) Alison: Colleen? Colleen? Hey Colleen. Colleen: Oh man, what happened? I feel like I was part of a Boris Sagal production. Alison: Long story, but the important thing is that we've learned a powerful lesson. Colleen: Enough with the lessons! Alison: I'm just saying, but now we have another issue to take care of. (the kids go over to Ms. Chapley's room and see she's flicking the lights.) Alison: She's been doing this for over an hour, I think she's still upset over everything. Sam: Oh really? Alison: Ms. Chapley. Ms. Chapley: Get lost. Mandy: Is that any way to greet people? Ms. Chapley: Hello dream killers, I just had a personal belief, wanna set fire to it like you did the last one!? Why not spread the ashes on flapjacks! Julie: Shut it! Ms. Chapley: Ahem, go on. Alison: We just wanted to apologize for overreacting to the extra week, and me especially for knocking you off your high horse. We'll be willing to stay in class for that week. Ms. Chapley: To be honest, I didn't even know what I would teach you in those final weeks. Alison: Okay. Now, will you ever forgive us? Ms. Chapley: Alison, you destroyed the school and made be defy my beliefs. Complete forgiveness is out of the question. Alison: I understand. Colleen: But we did get something to cheer you up. I think Clifford learned a lesson in the way you intended. (Colleen hands her the ape.) Colleen: You could do to him anything you want. Ms. Chapley: Someone learned the hard way, hahahaaaaaa... (Ms. Chapley faints.) Selma: Is she okay? Julie: The important thing is that we apologized, and now we have the whole summer to ourselves. Jerry: Let's enjoy that summer! (the kids run out.) Victor: Shame that Clifford couldn't live to see this summer. Francis: He's what I'd like to call a martyr. He believed that the way they carried out teaching us a lesson was stupid and ironically worse than the crime, he got punished for it and it helped give us the initiative to get out of there. Ruth: Here's to you you big creep. Clifford: Hey guys- Colleen: SHUT UP CLIFFORD! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE RECOGNIZING THE SACRIFICE YOU MADE SO WE COULD LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY- Wait. Clifford: What're you talking about? Victor: They made a monkey out of you. Clifford: A monkey? Victor: You said it! You were turned into a monkey to push a stinking moral. We saw you with the wristband coming out of that building- Clifford: I found a hole in the wall and I had to walk home. I just got back after somebody dropped me off. Okay? Now let's go to Cave Barn. Colleen: Yeah. I'm hungry. Bernadette: I don't remember the last time I ate. Jupiter: I got a coopon. (the kids chat as Victor is left behind.) Victor: That's it? Clifford was fine all along? We got sent to a bogus academy and got Omega Manned and it turns out that what led to it was a bunch of lies!? Are we all so vain!? Colleen: VICTOR! Victor: Coming. (Victor joins the kids) (it goes to the ape, communicating with a band of apes.) Ape 1: These humans are crazy. There's no telling how they'd react to a full-on takeover. Ape 2: They sent a concentrated missile to punish children and they can't even understand us. I think we should let the humans handle their own fate. Ape 1: We could always colonize on an uninhabited area where we could live peacefully and build up our power. Ape 2: That's the best option we have so far- (the teens crash through and run over the ape.) Ape 1: This isn't worth it! (the teens are seen, morbidly obese.) Abe: Nope, this isn't Cave Barn either. Day: I think we should give eating a break, I don't think any of us could even do CPR anymore. Abe: All in favor raise your hand. (the teens struggle to raise their hands.) Abe: I'll just call it a definite maybe. (end)